I hate how I feel
I hate needing to push you away
Shut you out
Erase you from my mind
From my memory
It’s the only way to make it stop
Make the banter
The put downs
The attacks
The hurt
Go away
But it is not who I am
And it creates even more turmoil
Within
I have never had to be this way before
Actually that’s not true
I did the same to my father
When I asked him please
Do not get high when I am around
Please honor, love, respect me enough
To stop
But he couldn’t
And I couldn’t
Bear it any longer
So I shut the door
Burned his photos and cards
From yesterday
Said goodbye
Moved on
To the next guy
Who did the very same thing
In a very different way
Causing the same exact result
A feeling of dismay
Dismissal
Unworthiness
Confusion
Pain
The pain
Has been a consistent friend
Reminding me daily
Of the ways I haven’t been able to live up
Or live down
To the way my life has unfolded
In a way that has left me wanting
Needing
Something more
Something different
Something to be discovered
Still
It will not be found in the known
For there
I have repeated the pattern
It can only be found in that which I have yet to feel
The unearthing of the one within
Who was cast aside so long ago
Covering up her spine
Not to be fractured beyond repair
Cloaking herself in a framework
Rigid and afraid
Waiting for what she thought
Could only be found
Out there
By someone other than
Who he was supposed to be
For that was the only image
I had to compare
Hence the failure
After failure
The pain
After pain
That ensued
But I see you now
The man
Hiding behind the facade of masculinity
Hiding behind false dreams and bravado
Hiding beyond the promises of tomorrow
You can never deliver
Hiding behind the discomfort
Of your own story
Delivered to you
In the very same way that it was delivered to me
Leaving you to behave in ways
That destroy us
And whomever else you come across
Along the way
But I have a choice
And I make it
To see the story
To see the pictures
To feel the cost
Of holding on to an image
That has damaged so much
Delivered so little
For you can not give me what I never had
From the start
The opportunity is gone
It is time for me to fill in the silhouette
Of me
In a way
Which no longer includes the sands of an irresponsible
Boundary-less man
The time has come
Though my age has extended beyond
Where I thought I might be
When the real change
Begs to be seen
Before it’s too late
Before the the image is passed on any further
To those I love more than the past
That has molded me
Into a woman
Growing beyond the guarded shell of her body
Turning toward herself
Finally
So that she may begin to breathe a new breath
Awakening from the slumber
Meant to shield her from
An unavoidable destiny
Of becoming greater than
The gift of disregard
Given so long ago
