It all started with an email
And then another
And then another
They were introduced
Sight unseen
Writing, sharing, expressing
Who they were
What they wanted
Where they were going
Soon they met
Face to face
It was a four -day
Blind date
It wasn’t a casual affair
He lived in the hustle bustle of New York City
She lived in the kicked back town of Denver
Their worlds were far apart
Their hearts
Seemingly
Bound to be together
She made the move
Left her sense of safety, security, knowing
She moved to a city she said she would never live
She moved for him
With one request she asked
That she keep her car
It was all she owned and she cherished it
And for all practical purposes
It would be her only means of escape
In case she would ever need it
He would have to let go of his own car
As it cost too much to keep two
He worked outside of the city though
She offered her car as a means to an end
With one caveat she shared
I treat my car with respect and care
And I ask that you do the same
By keeping it clean and filled with gas
In so doing
You will show me that what I value
You value
In so doing
Your actions will fill my heart
I will feel cherished
He lovingly agreed
To care for her car
To care for her heart
To honor his word
She was in love
She felt heard
She felt honored
Until…
Every time she entered the car
It was on empty
She politely asked at first
For him to honor his word
Of course he replied
Until it happened again
She politely asked anew
With a gentle reminder
Of their agreement
Of what his word meant to her
Of course he replied
Until it happened again
And again
And again
She soon began to raise her voice
With agitation and resentment
He made excuses and promises
Until it happened again
She soon became tired and concerned
If he can’t honor this one simple request
To care for a car
Will he be able to honor his word
To care for her
And then… it happened again
But this time
She was angry and disheartened
She jumped in her car
Drove away with spite
She was close to making a decision
When she phoned a specific friend
Through tears she shared her dilemma
Through trembles she shared her fears
Her friend listened and then asked
Are you seriously saying that this is a deal breaker
To which she replied
Yes
Without hesitation
She heard the very words that would change the course of her life
For the next 13 years
Her friend simply said…
You will not always get things your way in marriage
What is important to you will not always be important to him
So if you want something bad enough that he’s not giving you
Do it your damn self
And so she did
In a way that moved her attention away from herself
Away from them
Her focus turned toward him
Her focused turned toward work
Creating a business that would flourish and keep them busy
Very busy
Traveling, building, growing
While complaining about the economy and faulty systems
Focusing on anything other than
Her
Other than
Them
Soon they had a child and then another
Her focus turned toward mothering
Her focus became riveted
Upon her youngest child’s health challenges
She convinced herself that this was her job
She convinced herself that it would all get better
Sometime soon
But it didn’t
Patterns were set in place
In the form of arguments unsettled
In the form of disagreements ignored
In the form of disavowing her values, wants and desires
In the form of allowing his wants to be more important than hers
In the form of quieting her voice
In the form of acquiescing
In the form of giving up
Until… the loneliness and disappointment became unbearable
She had enough
Enough of HIS way
Enough of HIS world
Enough of HIS priorities
Enough of HIS dreams
Enough of HIS delusions
Enough of HIS neglect
Enough of HIS version of a relationship
Enough with a marriage that leaned to one side
Enough of doing it all her damn self
And so she considered…
It’s hard when you have two small children
And no income to depend upon
It’s hard to move away from what you have always known
Your entire life
That other peoples needs, wants and desires
Are more important than yours
That you just need to do it yourself
That you cannot rely on another
That relationships are one sided
It’s hard to leave what you co-created
With the knowing that the blame resides on both sides
Not on the one who leans to the left or the other that leans toward the right
It’s hard to know what is right and what is wrong
It’s hard to not worry about the future
It’s hard to take that first step
Until you do
And she did
She took that first step away from what she knew
She took that first step toward the unknown
With a clear awareness that SHE had a lot of work to do on herself
For she had a choice that day
13 years ago
To get that advice from the left or the right
She chose that day
To call the person she knew
Would give her the advice to stand alone in the middle
Because that is what she knew
That was the advice she sought in order to keep the status quo
Until she took the second step
Each one at a turtles pace as the path ahead was too dark to see
Each one filled with confusion, doubt and fear
Each one reflecting the truth of who she really was
Which was not a woman obsessed with a car
It wasn’t about her car
It was about her
A woman desirous to be valued, cherished and cared for
And the more she was ok with wanting to be cared for in that way
Her steps got bigger, faster and took her further away
From a relationship that, on the surface, had such potential
But behind closed doors suffered the loss of conviction
Today is a new day with the promise of new ways
As long as she stays clear as to her part in creating both her past, present and future
As long as she stays true to her values, her heart and her desires
As long as she continues to let go of what no longer serves
As long as she continues to build and create what does
It started with an email
It ended with a letter of dissolution
As a couple we are done
As parents we are in it for a lifetime
I am committed to my children
To their health, happiness and safety
That includes dropping the patterns of disappointment
And building the patterns of personal strength, resilience and fortitude
For them
For me
For us
