I remember
As a young girl
I had this light within my heart
It felt like a flame
Fueled by curiosity, possibility and potential
It felt raw and real
It felt as if the world belonged to me
And I was going to live it
Beautifully and free

Until…

It happened
Over and over again
Causing my flame to diminish
Causing my body to retreat, shut down and hide
With the simple desire to save the essence of me

My heart aches
My spirit withers
My body cries once more
As my mind shows me pictures

Showing me why
Why I HAD to put the flame away
For safe keeping

I see the pictures clearly now
They are like frozen moments in time
Kept in a locked
Far away place

Longing
To protect me

They are moments frozen within my body
Causing me to numb out and look for answers
Somewhere else
Out there
Far away from the truth of my heart
My flame

I drift often to those moments

Too many moments
Throughout my life
When he, they, them
So many of them
Crossed the line
A line so thin
So veiled
That even I
At times
Couldn’t see it

It happened in the front seat
Of my neighbors car
I was 11
He was someone’s father
He pulled me close
Put his had down the front of my shirt
And kept it there as the pleasure
Rose within him
And the breath within me
Slowly began to slip away

It happened at the pool
As my body
Continued to change, blossom and become
Become what it was suppose to be
Beautiful, young and alive

But as he stood and stared
Not from admiration
Not with awe at my beauty
But from a taking
An owning
A conquering

His pleasure rose
My breath once again
Dwindled
My body shrank
With shame and guilt

He is someone’s father
What am I doing to make him be this way
What did I do to create this

I am so sorry for being me

He
Another man
Maybe a father
I don’t know
Another man
Once again reached his hand out
As my back was turned
Touching me with his will
In a way that told me
He had a right
A right that was written on the walls of time
Not to be questioned
But to be silently obeyed

Another man
Exposed himself as I played with friends
Another as I walked to school
Calling me over to his car for help
Only to show me what my eyes were too young to see

The moments continue on
Rising to show me
A collective of witnessing and receiving
An energy that was not mine
That was not meant to be
An energy that has been
Unknowingly perpetuated and accepted
By us all

I see the women walking down the beach
Feeling the sun on their skin
Enjoying the moment
As they innocently walk by
As he, they, them
Point and make comments
In ways that don’t seem to reflect what I see
I wonder and worry
Do they think the same about me
Underneath

Do they think the same about me

The confusion
Creates more shutdown
A sense that I am less than
A knowing that something is not right
And I must again
Protect my flame
Hide it away
Do my best to ignore what I see, hear and feel
Maybe laugh out loud
While I silently crumble inside

The list for me
For so many young girls and grown women
Is long
Too long
The pain, shame, guilt, confusion
Has become a part of who we are
It is ingrained in our cells
We have come to accept and own it
We have come to act accordingly
We have learned to turn away from the truth
And turn toward
What is not right
This behavior
This pattern
It is wrong
Is life altering
Is soul crushing

It is hurting us all

We have made excuses
It is easier that way
For in the excuse
There seems to be less pain, less shame
But under it
Those feelings, thoughts, memories
Fester
Breaking us down
Leaving us feeling
Empty
Turning our backs once again
On ourselves
On one another

Until…

Until the silent cries
Make themselves heard
Until we all tell our stories
And men and women alike
Pay attention to how it makes us all
Feel
To know

To know
For so long this has been ignored
Excused
Laughed at
Made insignificant

To know
This has torn at the fabric of our
Homes
Lives
Hearts

Collectively

To know
That we can
Make a change
By saying
No more
This is not right
I am done
We are done

Let’s pay attention
To the words, the looks, the dismissals
The patterns
They are here
The only way to break them
Is to notice
To say no
To step up
And breathe life
Back into the flame
That is ALWAYS alive
Within all of our hearts

It is time to be proud
Of who we are
It is time to stand
Move
Live
From our beauty
Without shame, guilt, confusion or fear
It is time to use that flame
As our guiding torch
Home
Back to the truth of who we are

Collectively

As men
As women
With respect, awe and admiration
Of one another

It is time ladies
To tell your stories
To your partner
Family
Friends
Allow them to listen
To your pain
Hear what it has cost you
Allow them to
Bare witness to your soul
Relish in your courage
Offer their hearts
Coming together
Today
For a different way

It is time
For all little girls
And boys
To live in a world
Where their breath
Their spirits
Their sense of being whole
And wholesome
Can not be stolen
By those who are meant to
Serve and protect them

It is time
For the flame within their hearts
To be fueled by their essence of
Curiosity, possibility and potential
To be felt as raw and real
Where they know
The world belongs to ME
I am safe
I am strong
I am supported
I am beautiful
I am free