What if
I would have noticed then
Just how difficult it was
For me
To be seen
Heard
Accepted
Loved
Cared for
Cherished
What would my life had looked like
Had I noticed then
What it was I was pushing away
What I was so afraid of feeling
Who I was so afraid of being
I was so young
I knew I wanted you
I knew we were right for one another
I knew we were supposed to be
Together
I knew it
Deeply
I knew it
To be true
I knew it
I followed it
I met you
We fell for one another
You showed up fully
You enveloped me
In your welcoming arms
You witnessed me
With loving eyes
You gifted me with your presence
Your patience
Desire
Anticipation of our future
Together
Until
I remember the moment
So clearly
When you offered me so much love
Acceptance
Your full heart
It was too much
I just couldn’t handle it
Not one part of me
Could receive
What was on offer
I remember the moment
When I heard the smashing of the door
Slam shut
When I felt my body go cold
My mind go silent
My knowing go flat
My entire being turned away
From you
From me
From love
It was too painful
Literally
It was too painful
It was as if every nerve in my body was on fire
Burning away at my existence
Demanding that I run and hide
For this love
Your love
All love
Is dangerous
Untrustworthy
Damaging
There is something evil within its core
And so I ran
Away from you
Away from me
Away from anyone
Offering to see me
Accept me
Cherish or care for me
I ran
Far and wide
I ran short and narrow
I hid behind the movement
The perception of going somewhere
Other than here
I kept busy
I acquired degrees
I dated others
Who were empty
Self absorbed
Narcissistic
Shallow
For there
Within their beings
Something was missing
The very element that
I endlessly craved
Yet felt threatened my existence
Love
Years went by
Marriages happened
Ended
Children were born
Showing me the truth
Innocence
Reality of connection
They woke me up
Stirred my heart
Gave new breath to my soul
I had to stop
Moving
I had to stop and listen
Again
To the voice that once
Guided me to the love you offered
So long ago
I had to stop
To feel the pain
Sorrow
Sadness
Grieving
Of a life not lived
A childhood
Void of connection
One that set the stage for my body and being
To fear
Relationship
To fear
You
To fear
Me
To fear
Love
There were moments in the
Stopping
That I went back into motion
That I sought myself
Through the eyes
Touch
Of another
Until
The pain again was too great
To bare
The lit torches of terror
Scorching every nerve ending
In my body
Making it too difficult to breath
Think
Function
The fear so great
It shook every once of me
Into submission
Just stop
Just feel
Just listen
For now
Move away from
Another
Move toward
You
The one who never received
Who craves so desperately
To be seen
Who longs for the very thing
That terrifies her the most
Love
I am learning
It is not as simple as finding love within
It is not as simple as offering forgiveness to another
It is not as simple as telling yourself the truth of your heart
It is not as simple as I thought
On the contrary
It is about re-learning
Gently
Slowly
It is about re-wiring
With patience
Understanding
It is about
Lightly touching on love
Sweetly
Welcoming it in
In small doses
For that is all I can take
All my body can endure
All my mind can trust
It is the small doses
Which build my foundation
Reconnect me to my soul
To the love I once new was right
To the love I once saw in you
Felt from you
To the love meant to guide my way
Back to me
I am so sorry
I did not see it then
I am so sorry for hurting you
For hurting me
For putting my heart in a box
For putting my life on hold
For pretending I had it all together
That I was getting somewhere
Creating something
That actually didn’t exist
I did not see what I was doing
How I was avoiding
Honestly I didn’t
I wish I could go back in time
And meet you anew
See you
Feel you
Offer you more of what you deserved
Explain to you
Why I pushed away
Soothe your broken heart
Allow you to soothe mine too
But I know
That all of this
Meeting you
Knowing we would be
Together
Pushing away
Running hard and fast
Crashing and falling to such a low
Was the way it was meant to be
How do I know
Because this is where I am
I feel more deeply
I see more clearly
I move more gently
I trust more completely
You were in my life for a reason
I draw on your love and presence
The kindness in your eyes
Today more than ever
To show me the way
To fill me
To anchor me
To hold me
I draw upon the gifts you once gave
I am stepping into what you offered
By showing up more fully
As me
By remembering
Your welcoming arms
Allowing them
Once again to carry me
By witnessing me
With loving eyes
Filled with compassion and understanding
By embodying your patience
Desire
Anticipation of the future
Thank you for these gifts
Thank you for showing me the way
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for still being in my heart
Thank you for you
For I was so young
I knew I wanted you
I knew we were right for one another
I knew we were supposed to be
Together
And today we are
Just in a way
No one ever said was possible
In a way that is sacred
Nourishing
True
