I just can’t stop
The trembling
It is erupting
From deep
Within my heart
My bones
My soul
It is here
To tell me something
I am listening
I am feeling
I am trying
It started last week
Once I owned a behavior
I wasn’t proud of
That was hurtful to another
That I am confused by
It started last week
As it pushed to the surface
A truth yet spoken
A truth hidden so deep
Even I did not see
For far too long
Long enough to cause
Damage
I thought
I prayed
To figure a way out
Lies upon lies
Came to mind
With the intention
Not to hurt
Not to lose
Not to fail
The trembling got worse
It moved
Throughout my body
From one area to the next
Causing nausea
Pain
Regret
Fear
Shame
Again I tried
To figure it out
How to fix it
And then I heard the words
The only way out
Is through
Those words were repeated
Over and over
From the outside in
From the inside out
Calling me to be with what was
To tell the truth
To put it on the table
To own my behavior
The trembling increased
Waking me throughout the night
Creating panic throughout the day
Causing my heart to ache
With such intensity
That I had to stop
Constantly
Just to catch my breath
It hurt
As terror
Overtook me
How do I get out
Of this mess
I created
The only way out
Is through
And so I did it
I told the truth
Not from a place of emotion
But from a place of steely
Shutdown
Shock
Paralysis
The other person
Could not see
Feel
My pain
Just the cold icy sheet of utter defeat
It did not go well
It couldn’t have
Trust had been destroyed
Through betrayal
Deceit
It wasn’t intentional
It came from a place beneath
The tremble
It came from a fear
So long forgotten
One I have worked on
So many times
And yet
There it was again
Causing such pain
Separation
Working under my radar
Out of my reach
Until it was too late
To tame it
Call it back
Repair the damage
For days
I lied in bed
Trembling
Crying
Sobbing
To exhaustion
Wondering
How did this happen
What does this mean
Who the hell am I
Really
Thoughts
Judgments
Discriminations
Berated my mind, heart and soul
Calling forth the names
Descriptions
Of a person I have never known
Myself to be
I am an awful person
I am gravely flawed
I am ugly
I am worthless
I am broken
Questions
Inquiry
Panic rose
Trying to climb their way
To redemption
Only to land back on
Self – recrimination
What do I do now
Will I ever recover
How do I move forward
Who am I to worry about me
What about the other person
That is where the focus should be
I am selfish
I am a coward
I am wrong
I am unkind
I am trembling
The only way out
Is through
I felt every pain
Every emotion
I dove deeper and deeper
Praying for clarity
Understanding
Restitution
Forgiveness
Knowing that none of which
Would be coming soon
The trembling continued
As I scrambled
To make amends
Figure it out
Define it
Make sense of it all
All attempts to explain
Were thwarted by the others
Anger
Pain
Resentment
All truly warranted
There is nothing I can do
To help the other side
There is nothing I can do
To make it better
For anyone
The only way out
Is through
Which takes
Understanding
Responsibility
Ownership
Compassion
It takes time
I just wish
I could stop
The trembling
It’s not as strong
Debilitating
Annihilating
Today
As it was yesterday
But it is certainly
Still here
To tell me something
I am listening
I am feeling
I am trying
The only way out
Is through
And I am here
To move beyond
Yesterday
I am here
To own today
I am here
To move toward
Tomorrow
I am here
To say
I am sorry
I am human
I am imperfect
I am committed
To find the answer to
The trembling from within
Gently now
Bringing the deeper
Truth
To surface
I am waiting
I am listening
For the truth to be told through
The pressure
Of becoming
A newer
Cleaner
Clearer
Version of
Me
For…the only way out
Is through
